You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
