My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
