I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me