Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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