Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
