I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
