Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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