She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
