Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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