Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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