So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
