Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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