Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
