i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
