I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
