We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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