Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
