I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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