i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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