I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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