It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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