we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
