Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
