I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
