Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
