she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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