At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
