he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
