you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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