In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
