I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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