My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
