Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.