I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad