are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.