Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
