I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
