Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
