I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
