my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
