Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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