She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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