your parents love me but you hate me
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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