he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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