Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
