i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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