I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
