id be glad to
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
