where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
