Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
