this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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