Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize