I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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