if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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