You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
