So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my being single is dangerous.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
