btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
