He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
