you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
