mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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