I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
