I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
