you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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