Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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