this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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